Drinking with the stars

I love these ads:

Perform a ridiculously simple task and win an astronomically expensive toy, you say? (The only one better is “Stomp the spider and win a free iPod Nano!”, which I usually go ahead and take advantage of—not because I believe that I’ll win a Nano, but because the virtual spider is just as gross as, if not grosser than, a real spider, and icky things should always be squashed. Even on the internet.)

But then I realized that this particular game is rigged, and it has nothing to do with filling out an endless advertising survey after you flip that bad boy into the shot glass. This is no ordinary game of quarters, my friend. Why?

Because this is Celebrity Quarters.


First off, Julianne Moore is flirting with you. Yikes. That’s distracting.

And—oh God— John Cusack has his hands in his pants.

And even if Lusty Redhead and Groping Cusack don’t faze you, and you manage to flip the quarter…

Sigourney Weaver’s retarded twin sister will probably catch it midair and eat it.

And if she doesn’t—if, in fact, you land the shot and collect your Playstation amid much rejoicing—if, God forbid, Julianne Moore makes out with you and John Cusack removes his hands from his pants to applaud and Sigourney Weaver comes to pick up her sister and take her home for some ice cream and cartoons...

Robert Downey, Jr. is about one beer away from clocking you with his stein, screaming, “What did you think this was, motherfucker—Dancing With the Stars?!!!”, and then stealing your PS3 to sell it for coke while you lie on the ground, sobbing quietly and wishing like hell that you’d just stuck to playing FreeCell.