Sure, you have! She's Janice "Dorothy Hamill never rocked this haircut so good" McSweeney*, the Classmates.com go-to girl when they want to express shocked surprise that ugly people can have normal lives, too. (Ok, so maybe the model thing is a bit of a stretch. But I mean, skinny is the main criterion for that, and you can't even see her body, so who knows.)
God damn your superficiality, Classmates.com! That girl could be desirable for a thousand reasons that have nothing to do with her physical appearance (intelligence, wit, gives a great blowjob, etc). And for all we know, her body is slammin'. Why can't she be a model and get married? And I don't think that Mr. Feathered-Hair-and-Earnest-Eyes is such a fucking fabulous catch, either. He looks like this kid from my high school named Adrian Honn (not his real name, but if you're good with anagrams, I bet you can figure it out), who told us all during a game of Truth or Dare that he'd lost his virginity at age 15 to a nameless "college girl", and then offered to advise any of the other slack-jawed young gentlemen present on "techniques to please a woman". Of course, we all felt horribly inadequate and completely baffled at living in a world where college girls would sleep with Adrian Honn while the rest of us were left to dry-hump each other on rec room couches. (Not that I ever did that.)
Of course, Adrian Honn was lying. He had never had sex with anyone. I know this, because he sent me a frantic instant message at the end of senior year, confessing that he had no idea how to even have sex and begging me to unburden him from the terrible weight of his still-intact virginity. Being a good friend, I said no and then proceeded to forward his IM to all our mutual acquaintances.
Anyway, Classmates.com, the point is: Adrian Honn was an asshole. And so are you.
*I have no idea what her name is, really. But whoever she is, I hope they're paying her good money for this.
7 comments:
Holy shit. You have a blog? I do too actually. But I didn't know YOU had a blog. This is great. Oh, this is Bryan Connors BTW. You may remember from me from when I successfully convinced you, while we were going to college together, that I was an annoying weirdo jackass--AS WAS MY PLAN ALL ALONG!--or from when I saw your band or from when I cleverly uncovered the identity of that anonymous poster on the SWO website. Anyway... I just read though like all your entries and now I clearly recall why it was that I always thought you kicked so much ass (I knew there was a reason!). Anyway, I hope you don't mind me bookmarking this and occassionally commenting on stuff, do you? Tell me if you do. Otherwise I'll stick around and try not to be too much of a bother : )
HOLY SHIT! Kat? Where have you been all my life? Is blog short for weblog? Will you marry me? Can i like, y'know, comment all over this shit like a fuckin' lunatic? Is that cool or is it just plain annoying?
I don't think that was necessary : )
Emoticons are for gays.
I just looked up emoticon in the dictionary:
Emoticon -- The gayest thing since gay came to gaytown.
(when used in a sentence) "bryan c's creepy stream of consciousness is always punctuated by emoticons."
I didn't even use an "emoticon", nor have I ever used the word "emoticon" in a sentence before now---which is notable, because the word "emoticon" is much "gay"-er than the graphic smiley it describes. I also think people who use the word "gay" as an insult are incredibly gay---and also retarded.
you guys can stop anytime, really.
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