Please remove your appendage from my head

The place: Off the Wagon, Macdougal Street @ Bleecker

The party: After-work happy hour populated by miscellaneous suited men drinking beer straight from the pitcher

The problem: Large-sized member of the aforementioned crowd decides that I’d look good as an armrest




This happens to all short people, right? (Right???) You’re just standing there, minding your own business, and some big oaf next to you decides that the top of your little head looks so damned inviting that it would be a crime for it to go untouched. And plop, they go ahead and just throw their enormous forearm all over you, and you look up at them, and they give you a big grin usually accompanied by a statement like, “I can’t help it! You’re just so tiny!”

(Note: I kind of, sort of understand this. Even at 5’3, I still have a couple friends who are significantly smaller than me. And I’m always trying to curb myself from picking them up, throwing them around, patting their cute little heads, etc. I can’t help it! You’re just so…. Yeah. But still.)

But really, guys, we need to work something out here. I’ve long since given up on growing tall enough to avoid this, and it’s a little odd to turn around at that top-of-the-head touch and find that I’ve just put my face into the wide-open armpit of someone I don’t know. Not to mention that your oily arm-pores are making a mess of my hair. So from now on, I plan to:

1. Wear a horned helmet to any/all bar-specific social events.

2. Retaliate in kind by whacking the big guy with a sledgehammer and-- as he clutches what remains of his sternum and falls to the floor-- shrieking, “I can’t help it! You’re just so sturdy!!!”