Welcome to the next installment of ROOM WITH A VIEW OF A PENIS, a serial work of non-fiction in 5, or maybe 6 or 7, chapters. If you missed Chapter One, please click here to catch yo'self up.
And now, with everybody up to speed, I am proud to present...
Chapter Two: Meet the Penis
It was a warm night in June; I was in my bedroom, checking myself in the mirror and getting ready to go out, when I heard a noise. It was a strange sound. Did you ever have one of those “sticky ball” toys that came in vending machines at the super market? They were like gelled globs of goo, and if you threw them at the wall, they would stick there, and they made a very distinctive sort of thwap when they hit. I stopped what I was doing, mascara brush in hand, and listened.
It was coming from outside, and it increased in rhythm as I turned toward the window.
Thwap, thwap, thwapthwapthwapthwapthwapthwapthwapthwap.
I looked out, across the back alley, to the lighted window of the apartment facing mine.
There was a man in the window.
He was tall and thin, with a John Waters pencil moustache, and he was completely naked.
He was looking at me.
And he was banging his dick against the window.
Thwap, thwap, thwap.
“Oh my God,” I said, and switched off my light.
Across the alley, Mr. Dick-in-the-window looked disappointed.
My roommate, Della, came down the hall.
“Are you ok?” she said.
“Ugh, I just saw a penis,” I said.
“There’s a guy across the way, standing in his window, flogging it at me.”
“Ew!,” she said.
“I know,” I said. “And it was huge, too!”
“What are you going to do? Call the police?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I mean, it’s his apartment, can’t he kinda do whatever he wants?”
“Oh, well… I guess so. That sucks,” she said.
We both stood in the dark, thinking.
“Wait, I have an idea,” I said.
“Ok,” she said.
“I’m going to turn the light back on, and when he starts doing it again, we’ll point and laugh.”
“Well, I mean, if you were showing your penis to strangers, and they laughed at it, wouldn’t you be embarrassed and stop?”
“I don’t know,” she said, “I don’t think so.”
“Let’s just try it.”
I flipped the light on.
The man was still there, dick in hand.
“Ha!” we shouted, pointing. “Ha! Ha ha, ha, ha!! HA!!!”
The man in the window smiled and started jumping up and down, flogging it even more vigorously.
I flipped the light off.
“Well, that didn’t work,” said Della.
“Yeah, sorry about that,” I said.
“What are you going to do?”
“Hope he doesn’t do it again, I guess,” I said. “I’m going out.”
(Please come back tomorrow for Chapter 3!)