Brad and I broke up. The wedding is off. He cheated on me with a fucking manicurist, for Christ’s sake, and I’m dying inside, and I’m going to go drink a bottle of bourbon and…. and….
Oh, the hell with this. I can’t write an April Fool’s post for shit, okay?
Sigh.
I confess, dear readers, that I spent most of today in contemplation of subject matter for said post. It was surprisingly hard to come up with a winning idea – I was actually of three minds about it, so numerous were the options available to me for taking advantage of your credulousness with a little bloggy prank. And new ones kept coming to me! All day long! If nothing else, after sitting at my desk for hours and giggling more uncontrollably with every new, evil idea that came to mind, I think I’ve gotten a good feel for what life as a professional evil genius/cartoon villain must be like. That’s what they do, isn’t it? Sit around, hatching devilish schemes and then cackling with maniacal mirth at their own badness?
Oh, but the April Fool’s post, yes.
Well.
I suck, obviously. Mostly, I got scared; I had three reasonably good potential posts in mind, all of which could have been fantastic day-long jokes, and all of which I ended up rejecting based on various fears. It broke down something like this.
Post idea: Ohmigod Brad and I broke up!
Rejected due to fear of: Anger and bitterness from those readers with an emotional investment in my relationship; anger and bitterness from Brad, who would probably not find it funny; the possiblity that my pre-marital calamity-calling would lend credence to previous accusations that I am morphing into a new version of Clink.
Post idea: I’m pregnant!
Rejected due to fear of: Giving my parents a heart-attack. (Not because they disapprove of pre-marital pregnancy, but because my extremely UN-maternity wedding dress has already been purchased with a not-insignificant chunk of my father’s money.)
Post idea: I’m quitting the blog!
Rejected due to fear of: Nobody caring.
Obviously, I am too much of a pussy to pull off any prank that is not of the “whoopee cushion on boss’s chair” variety – and even then, my giggling and furtive looks tend to ruin the entire thing.
But all this got me thinking about April Fool’s Day, and how unabashedly it breeds dishonesty. By its very definition, the day is a celebration of lies, all in the name of fun, but all with the infinite potential to do terrible harm to those who fail to recognize them.
Imagine, the fate of the poor souls who left important emails unsent because of Google’s little “joke”! Or those crowding into bowling alleys in fervent anticipation of a Clinton-Obama bowl-off that will never, ever happen! I can’t help myself. I mourn for them. April Fool’s Day is cruel, and an affront to society. Does nobody remember that heartbreaking scene from Goodbye, Mr. Chips, in which all the young english schoolboys band together to play an April Fool’s prank on their dear teacher? None of them knowing that said teacher is coming to class directly following the death of his wife and child!
And who’s to say that April Fool’s Day itself was not responsible for that, too?!
There’s nothing for it. April Fool’s Day is evil and wrong and it KILLED ROBERT DONAT’S WIFE FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
I weep.
3 comments:
first of all: thanks for the early morning heart attack. seriously. i don't even know brad and i was getting ready to kick his ass.
second: thanks for letting me know i am a doofus; after i got over the moral conundrum google was presenting, i spent at least 3 minutes trying to decide what to use my free 10 custom time emails for.
ok, you scared the shit out of me, which proves that i am gullible, along with the fact that
a) i thought google's thing yesterday was real
b) jezebel really confused me
c) jen, you and i are the same person, obvs.
april fools, i love you
I also hate April Fool's Day and pranking. I feel like a huge kill-joy about the whole thing, but seriously, everyone, it's just damned mean.
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