saggy gay asses dot com.

As previously mentioned, I started a new job this week. (To be filed under “Sad But True”: writing articles for teen magazines is great fun, but it does not exactly pay the bills.)

But that’s ok, because I love my new job. I loved my old job too, of course, but the pretty, shiny NEW job has a number of wonderful things that make it special – the fact that I still do not have to work on Fridays, for instance, or that I am getting paid ridiculously well, or that I have business cards (business cards!) and my business cards are orange (orange!). Also, and possibly best of all, all the men in my new office are gay.

And if you can’t understand why that’s awesome, then clearly you have never worked in a predominantly homosexual office, because it’s The Bomb. There’s always good coffee, nobody makes off-color remarks about my tits, and my boss (rather than calling me “Hey You” as so many other bosses are wont to do) always refers to me as “Kat, my daaaahhhling!”

And yet, even when one’s office is The Bomb… well, there’s always room for awkwardness.

Earlier this week, I was assigned some image research for a brochure. The caveat: because the brochure is for an organization that focuses on the needs of the aging LGBT population (or, in the words of my coworker, “old queers”), the usual images of a family on a beach with a dog weren’t cutting it – they just weren’t… gay enough.

Thus, I found myself typing the word “gay” into the Getty Images search box, hoping that doing so would preclude any images of hetero couples from infiltrating my results.

First, let me just say that it worked. I hit enter, and every resulting image was utterly and completely gay.

The thing is, utterly and completely gay image sets tend to include -- how to put this delicately? – a lot of asses. And why wouldn’t they? What could be gayer (and hotter!) than an unclothed man stretched facedown on a bed, smiling sweetly over his shoulder and sporting a bare-naked behind so juicy that it cries out to be smacked? And so it was. Line after line of beautiful round butts appeared on my computer’s screen – some blurry, some partially obscured by a sheet, but all undeniable paragons of ass-ness.

It didn’t take long before my boss looked over and said, “Whoa!”
“I know,” I said. “Apparently, typing the word ‘gay’ into an image search brings up a lot of behinds.”
“Those are some nice ones,” said my boss.
“They are, indeed,” I said.
“But if we’re being honest,” he sighed, “We couldn’t even use a nice ass like that one. It’s too young. We’d have to find some old saggy asses.”
“I don’t think I’m going to have much luck in a Getty Image search for ‘saggy gay asses’…” I said.
“No,” my boss agreed, “you’d need to look elsewhere.”
The designer, who had been listening to our conversation, suddenly started laughing. “Haa!” she said. “You’d have to visit www dot saggy gay asses dot com!”
“Saggy gay asses dot com!” my boss cried. “Ha! Ha!”
“Can you imagine if that were a real URL?” I said.

Both of them were suddenly looking at me.
“Do you think it is?” the designer said.
“It could be,” said my other coworker, laying one finger against the side of his nose authoritatively. “After all, there’s something on the internet for everyone.”
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s see if it’s real.”

I turned to the computer and obligingly typed it – www.saggygayasses.com -- into the browser address bar, then hit “enter”.

And then, as coworkers crowded around me, all eager and waiting to confirm the existence of saggy gay asses dot com, I started thinking.

Namely, I started thinking that if saggy gay asses dot com was, indeed, a real site, then we were all about to experience some serious awkwardness. Sort of like when you’re watching a movie with your parents that turns out to have a sex scene in it – you all watch it, you might even laugh about it later, but privately? You think to yourself, “I wish I had not seen that in the company of my parents.” Just as, had saggy gay asses dot come turned out to be real, each of us would have inevitably found ourselves staring at a picture of – what else? – a saggy gay ass.

And thinking, oh-so-regretfully, “I wish I had not seen that in the company of people with whom I have a professional relationship.”

Of course, it wasn’t real. Thank Christ. Apparently, there are still some people out there for whom the internet does NOT have something.