I was wondering whether God might, in fact, be trying to tell us something about the upcoming wedding, but then I received the following email from my mother -- which reminded me that, in all likelihood, this is just another one of Those Things About My Family.
Have you ever noticed that there are people to whom things-which-make-good-comedy-
routines happen and people to whom such things never happen, and do you realize that for whatever reason our family seems to be in the former category (see: snakes in house, etc.)?
Of course, the animals which accidentally wind up in one's house can be counted on to have one excellent attribute in common: if they see you, they run away. (Notable exception here for animals which are only partially alive, in which case they will stick around long enough to fall on your neighbor's head.) So in spite of the family history at work, here, I haven't exactly been on high alert for anything with more than 2 legs -- not counting the dog -- to be in intimate proximity to my person.
I really, really wish that I hadn't been naked when I found out that this was a bad idea.
Without completely horrifying you, dear readers, I ask you to picture the following: I am lying in bed, totally unclothed, having just.... er, done that thing that ladies do with their husbands, when I notice that there is something sticking to my ass. At first glance, it appears to be a hematite bead -- hard, shiny, metallic gray, and about the size of a pea.
Upon closer examination, however, it turns out that the bead is not a bead at all, but rather an enormous tick.
A huge motherfucking tick.
A huge motherfucking tick which has sucked so much blood out of my buttocks that it is now lolling around awkwardly on its distended abdomen like one of those unfortunate people in Wall-E.
Let me just say, to those of you who have never pulled a tick off your ass immediately after sex: It is one of the most horrible post-coital incidents in the realm of human experience. And I say this as someone who once menstruated on an architect.
All family history with insects, rodents and snakes aside, I can only assume that this latest incident is karmic payback for last week's mouse incident. So thank you, karma, for teaching me a lesson I'll never forget. I'd like to finish by saying that I will never again drop a mouse on my neighbor's head in error again... but, uh, I can't make any promises.