Sigh of relief, bullet dodged.

Though nothing is official yet, I am happy to report that my slow-walking-by-Jim's-office campaign and my elaborate plans to beat myself bloody in the name of employment have been suspended indefinitely... because I have, at least, been told on reasonably good authority that I can expect to be working full-time-and-salaried at [place I have been freelancing] within the next week-ish.

This is a massive relief, not only because I was starting to get extremely nervous about starving to death, but because, with the economy dying a twitching, horrific death and hemorrhaging jobs left and right, the market of available employment has started to skew in the general direction of The Crazy.

Earlier this week, with my future still uncertain and the job boards looking frighteningly sparse, I dashed off an application in response to a posting for a "Web Writer / Executive Assistant". I usually try to stay away from anything with the word "assistant" in the title, but given the desperate nature of the times, I thought to myself, Eh, I don't mind making a few photocopies, and hit send anyway.

20 minutes later, I had an email back. It said:

Call around 10

... and that was it.

I am not sure what it was that freaked me out -- the imperious tone, maybe, or the lack of a period, or the fact that the text was pink -- but I sent an immediate email to Brad with a link to the job description.

To: Brad
From: Kat
Sent: Monday, February 09, 2009 9:55 AM
Subject: freak show?

I'm supposed to talk to this woman about a job at 10, but I'm worried that she might be a psycho. Any thoughts?


Unfortunately, Brad could not help me...

To: Kat
From: Brad
Sent: Monday, February 09, 2009 9:57 AM

I'm on my way to a meeting, can't tell right now. You should just talk to her.


... which is how I ended up losing twenty minutes of my life to Somebody Else's Crazy.

10:00am
I call the provided number and listen while it rings once, twice, and eventually ten times without an answer. I hang up confused.

10:01am
I call the provided number again, which rings four times and then switches to a generic voice mailbox. I leave a message.

10:02am
Back at my computer, I dash off a quick email to Potential Employer, saying that I have attempted to call without success.

10:20am
My phone rings.

Kat: Hello, this is Kat.
Potential Employer: Kat? This is Potential Employer.
Kat: Oh, hi there! I--
Potential Employer: (shouting) I HAVE ONE MINUTE TO TALK TO YOU.
Kat: (with growing awareness that she is talking to a Crazy Person) Ok.
Crazy Person: ONE MINUTE.
Kat: Right.
CP: (momentarily calm) Tell me about yourself.
Kat: Alright, well, since we only have a minute, what would you like to know?
CP: (shouting again) TELL ME WHERE YOU WENT TO COLLEGE. TELL ME WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING SINCE COLLEGE.
Kat: Er, I graduated from college more than 5 years ago, so that's sort of a lot of inform--
CP: HANG ON. My PHONE is RINGING.

Crazy Potential Employer With Shouting Issues is replaced by a muzak version of "Staying Alive". Five minutes pass.

CP: Kat?
Kat: Yes, hello--
CP: I HAVE THIRTY SECONDS TO TALK TO YOU.
Kat: Ok--
CP: What do you do? Tell me WHAT you DO.
Kat: (speaking at approximately 100mph in order to get a complete sentence out) Idofreelancewritingproofreadingandeditorialmanagement.
CP: What do you mean, FREELANCE?
Kat: I--
CP: I can't have somebody working here who's writing COLUMNS or SOME SHIT.
Kat: I'm not sure I understand. You won't employ someone who writes for other publications outside of your office?
CP: I need somebody who is REALLY COMMITTED to WHAT WE ARE DOING HERE.
Kat: I see--
CP: Well, here's the job. One half is writing and managing interns, and the other half is down and dirty office work like photocopying, filing, doing the mail, and a lot of faxing. (pause) So what do you think?
Kat: ...Uh, I--
CP: NEVER MIND. I can HEAR IT IN YOUR VOICE.

And then, you guys, she hung up on me.

When I got back to my desk, I had an email from Brad. It contained a link, which led me to the following:

About [Crazy Person] -- Biography

[Crazy Person] began her work life as a teacher in the New York City public school system. Using her natural business instincts, she later pursued a career in sales and marketing during the 1980s, working her way up through the ranks of The New York Times. Early in her career, [Crazy Person] also successfully fought a significant weight problem-transforming her life both professionally and personally-which fueled a passion to empower other women.

(Above the link, he had written the words, "YOU DO NOT WANT TO WORK FOR THIS WOMAN." Yeah, no shit.)

Still, I'm glad I saw this, because upon a second reading, I'm pretty sure that last line is an explanation for pretty much everything that is wrong with this woman.

Readers, take note: This is what happens when you haven't eaten a carb since 1982.