Dear Googly: Furniture f**kers and doin' it doggie style.

Good lord, it has been far too long since Dear Googly was brought out of the closet to answer the queries of intrepid internet searchers. (Not that I keep her in the closet. She is free to roam around whenever and wherever she wants. Sometimes we even have beers together.) But here she is, doves! And not a moment too soon, because the masses are clamoring for answers to burning questions the likes of which the average citizen cannot even imagine.

Like this.


Dear sir,
Though I would never, ever begrudge you the right to develop your own personal, particular sexual proclivities, I fear that your selection in this case is just a tad too… what is the word I seek? ...Niche-y.

Yes, that’s it.

For just as the woman looking to marry a man who is handsome AND wealthy AND intellectual AND sensitive AND a good cook AND a cat-lover AND capable of running a 6-minute mile will ultimately be disappointed, so too will the man whose carnal appetites are focused solely on one specific piece of furniture. Please, for your own sake, do consider expanding your horizons just a tad. Perhaps an ottoman?

And then, of course, there’s this.


Oh, my.

As already stated, it is not in Dear Googly’s nature to criticize anyone’s preferred method of getting his or her rocks off… and yet… well, YES. Yes, it is bad, sir. It is, if you will forgive me for saying so, pretty freaking horrendous. How could you? More to the point, how could you enjoy it? What do you do, exactly, to combat the disturbing reality that your dog is licking peanut butter off your junk??? – Do you close your eyes against the sight? Drown out the sound with rap music? Tell yourself that it isn’t really a dog down there, but just a very, very ugly woman?

And how would you like it if your dog took advantage of you this way? What? “How?”, you say? Nevermind how! The point is, it could happen, and it would be bloody terrible! Your dog is undoubtedly not yet aware that you are using his love of peanut butter against him, but mark my words, one day he will realize what you’re doing. And heaven help you then, sir, because I will not.

Happy searching,
Googly