Save the planet. But first, the children.

I was walking the dog in our neighborhood park yesterday when I saw something mysterious: a small, rectangular object attached to one of the trees. A few feet later, I saw another one – and then, in the distance, another – and decided to investigate.

Apparently, the students from the elementary school across the street, probably in anticipation of Earth Day on April 22nd, have launched a public awareness campaign to protect our neighborhood green space. A campaign about what, you ask? See for yourself:


It was quite rainy, so my photograph isn’t the best, but hopefully you can get the gist of the thing; it’s a dog-shaped cutout, framed by the red circle-and-slash symbol indicating verboten-ness, with a handwritten line underneath it that says:
Dog Urine Kills Trees.

Ah, yes. New York, witness your tax dollars at work: empowering our young residents in their campaign against the terrible, life-altering environmental risks posed by pee.

Of course, I’m all for education and public awareness and environmental do-gooding. Yes, sir, I love the Earth! But I can’t help thinking that this particular initiative is a tad misdirected. Because... well, let me just show you.



See that little, light-colored spot about midway up the trunk of this big, big tree?
That’s the sign.

Now, far be it from me to quibble with the scientific consensus about dog pee and its murderous effects, but I’m pretty sure that allowing Hurley to squirt a few ounces of liquid gold on that trunk isn’t going to have an effect one way or another. Hell, I could probably aim a urine-filled fire hose at Mister Tree for… well, at least an hour, and still have him emerge from the experience unscathed. A little smelly, sure, but alive, you know?

So, to sum up: Dog urine may kill trees (and seriously, wild dogs are living and peeing in still-verdant forests all over the world, so even this is debatable), but it is certainly not going to kill this tree. Comethefuckon, guys.

Ordinarily I’d chalk this entire thing up to the naiveté of children and not take it as any particular referendum on the quality of Brooklyn’s schools, curriculum, or teachers… but that sign is awfully high off the ground.