Your marriage needs a Tostito launcher.

In case you were considering congratulating yourself on the longevity of your current romantic relationship, here's something to make you weep with the sting of insignificance: Here is a couple who has been married 81 years. Eighty-one, you guys.

I can just see them sitting down for bingo night at the local Y, where they're seated next to Walter and Myrtle Winkler, who have just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and are feeling pretty damn pleased with themselves.

"Fifty years, eh?" says husband-of-eighty-one-years, chuckling and giving his wife an elbow nudge.
"Fifty years, huh?" says wife-of-eighty-one-years, cackling and giving her husband a knowing wink.

"Why, yes!" says Myrtle, who is privately thinking, These people are utterly demented. "And, er -- how long have you been married?"
"Oh, us?" The couple-of-eighty-one-years look at each other, then burst into raucous laughter. "EIGHTY-ONE YEARS, BEYOTCH!"

At which point Walter turns to Myrtle and says, "I've never liked the way you kiss."

(Of course, this would never actually happen -- English people don't even have a Y.)

More to the point, though, is that Frank and Anita Milford (the couple-of-eighty-one-years) have shared the secret to their relationship's amazing longevity: daily squabbles, or what Anita calls, "the odd cross word" -- which, they say, provides a bit of healthy excitement and keeps them on their toes.

Which is interesting, and something I would love to explore in detail... but right this minute, I have to call Brad and tell him that the incident last week wherein I threw a tortilla chip at his head was actually just an inspired means of keeping our marriage lively.