Voir dire and bad knickers.

For those of you wondering about the long lags between posts this month, this one's for you: I am popping up right now to tell you that I am currently on jury duty... which means that a great many interesting things are happening to me on a daily basis, but I am forbidden from writing about them, lest I compromise the integrity of the Law. (This is per specific instructions from the judge, who is such a singularly awesome woman that I would rather die than disappoint her.)

I can say, however, that the process of jury selection is one of the most interesting things I've ever witnessed (ooh! legal pun!) and/or participated in. It went something like this:

8:30am: Arrive at courthouse amid throng of prospective jurors.

8:31am: Get in security line in between annoyed-looking huffy guy with laptop and elderly Asian couple who do not speak English and react to any attempts at conversation with blinking confusion and polite smiles.

8:33am: Engage in good-natured debate with court cops about whether or not they should x-ray my cup of coffee.

8:35am: Be seated in enormous, cold room full of bored prospective jurors.

8:36 - 9:05am: Boredom.

9:06am: An officially-dressed man appears at the front of the room.

9:07am: Officially-dressed man ignores questions from prospective jurors as to how long we will be sitting there.

9:08am: Officially-dressed man darkens the lights, activates some sort of presentation, and leaves after a prolonged sneer.

9:09am: Presentation is a juror orientation video.

9:10am: "In ancient times, an accused criminal went through trial by ordeal!" Threatening theme music gives way to a scene in which twenty people appear by a lake, dressed in what is probably supposed to be period clothing but which looks like dirty rags.

9:11am: Closeup of Ancient People's faces, which are all inexplicably covered in filth.

9:12am: The Ancient People bring forth an accused criminal, tie his hands and feet, and hurl him bodily into the lake.

9:13am: Voiceover: "Fortunately, we now know that this is not a reliable means of determining guilt!"

9:15 - 9:30am: Juror orientation video explains via interviews with many Famous Legal People that being a juror is Very Important. Video was likely made circa 1980 as most interviewees are now dead. Also, everyone is sporting suits with mammoth shoulderpads.

9:31am: Lights come on; another official person appears at the front of the room.

9:32am: First-round exemptions from jury duty. The elderly Asian couple dutifully toddles out of the room when they call for people who don't speak English.

9:33 - 10:30am: Boredom.

10:31am: Remaining prospective jurors assemble. Elderly Asian couple have inexplicably been returned to the jury pool.

10:35am: Roll call.

10:40am: Second roll call.

10:45am: Roll call again. One woman is missing, and she's in big trouble.

10:45am: Also, the roll call guy keeps mispronouncing my name.

10:46 - 11:00am: Jurors are shuffled from one room, to an elevator, to another room.

11:01am: Realize with dawning horror that I am wearing really uncomfortable underwear.

11:02 - 11:15am: Boredom and uncomfortable underwear.

11:15am: Jurors are shuffled into a courtroom and my underwear is uncomfortable.

11:15 - 11:30am: Jurors are given an introductory lecture about jury service and my underwear is uncomfortable.

11:31am: First batch of jurors are selected for questioning and my underwear is uncomfortable.

11:31am - 12:00pm: Jurors answer questions including "Are you close to anyone who works in law enforcement?" and "Have you or your family members ever been the victim of a crime?" Several people are obviously trying to ensure their non-selection by saying things like, "I don't believe in evidence" or "It's not about witness testimony, it's about knowing in your heart that he's guilty!"

12:01pm: Underwear discomfort has reached crisis levels. Also, I have become convinced that not only am I wearing some really bad underwear, but that everybody knows.

12:02pm: Break for lunch.

12:05pm: Salad.

12:30pm: Enter Macy's.

12:31pm: Buy better underwear.

12:32pm: Inform checkout girl that if she is ever called for jury duty, underwear selection is of paramount importance.

12:35pm: Put on new underwear. Feel that nothing can possibly go wrong now.

1:30pm: Prospective jurors shuffle back into courtroom and my underwear is awesome.

1:31pm: New group of potential jurors is seated; questioning begins anew.

1:32 - 2:30pm: Question-and-answer session is unbelievably dry and dull. One of the other potential jurors in the gallery takes out a book and receives an immediate smackdown courtesy of the court officer. Vow that, if questioned, I will somehow being levity to the proceedings.

2:45pm: New group of potential jurors is seated, including me.

2:46pm: Decide that I will answer the "Have you or your family members ever been the victim of a crime" question with a quip about my penis-exposing neighbor, thus achieving the aforementioned levity. (Also decide that this is perfectly appropriate, since the police were involved and indecent exposure/harassment is, in fact, against the law.)

2:50pm: The woman next to me is being questioned; it will be my turn next.

2:51pm: Woman next to me informs the judge that her brother was murdered.

2:52pm: Three weeks ago.

2:53pm: Feel like a chump of epic proportions.

2:54pm: Answer "Have you ever been the victim of a crime?" with a meek "No."

2:55 - 3:30pm: Answer remaining questions while continuing to feel like a chump.

3:31pm: Take small solace in comfortable underwear.

3:35pm: Take jury oath.

...and we've been in court ever since! And there you have it: Anatomy of a jury selection.

Meanwhile, I will be back after the conclusion of the trial (and a much-anticipated weekend away.)