D as in "duh".

As email becomes the de facto mode of communication, the amount of time that I spend on the phone with customer service people has started to dwindle. Between online insurance quotes, automatic bill pay, and the ability to instant message with people from the bank, actually talking to someone is getting to be a real rarity, isn't it? This is it; the digital future is coming, and you cannot stop it.

I don't think anyone would disagree that this development is a good thing -- after all, fewer conversations with the not-always-entirely-pleasant strangers who work at the customer call-in center can only be good for a person's general mental health. But it does mean that certain... well, peculiarities of business-by-phone are eventually going to be left behind. Things like the endless pushing of buttons to navigate the call-in menu, the frustration of eventually connecting with someone who is obviously following a call script and doesn't even seem to be listening to what you're saying, and, of course, the agonizing reading and reading-back of alphanumeric confirmation codes by nasal-voiced customer service people. "That's F as in Fred, Three, Five, S as in Sam..."

This is what I was thinking about as I sat on the phone with a customer service rep at Geico on Saturday morning, waiting for a confirmation code and musing on the (inevitable?) eventuality of all call center reps being replaced by robots. (Consumer interest note: In the case of Geico, that would actually be too bad -- I've talked to a LOT of their service reps over the past couple years, and they are always ridiculously nice and pleasantly Southern and happy to let you mail in your payment a couple days late when it turns out that you accidentally spent part of it on a late-night pizza binge. So consider this a recommendation. Geico is the tits.)

After a few seconds of hold music, the rep came back on the line.

"Okay," said Geico Lady. Her voice had a sort of perky, lilting drawl, and I wondered where she was from; Georgia, maybe.
"Do you have a pen?" she asked.
"Yep," I replied.
"I'm going to read this number back to you."
"Okay."
"Okay, here's what I've got." She cleared her throat. "A as in apple, Four, Six, T as in Tom, J as in Jews, Seven, B as in..."

Of course, I had stopped paying attention at this point.
J as in Jews?, my brain was shouting. J as in JEWS?!! That is so inappropriate! Holy shit! Say something! SAAAAY SOMETHING!

"Uh, excuse me," I said. "Did you say, 'J as in Jews'?"
"Yep, J as in Jews!" said Geico Lady.

Except it wasn't quite "Jews". It was more like "Jewss", or "Jewce", or...
Oh, said my brain, sounding considerably calmer. JUICE. J as in juice, because people pronounce that ü sound a tad differently below the Mason-Dixon Line, and also, because you are an idiot.

"Right," I said. "Okay."
"Can I help you with anything else today?"
"Nope."
"Alright," said the Geico Lady, still pleasant as ever. "Thank you for choosing Geico!"


Some of you might look at the above, perfectly-pleasant exchange and think that it's too bad that customer service by phone is going out of style, and hell, maybe it is... but all I can think is that somewhere in Georgia, they've got me on tape saying "J as in JEWS?"