After spending several days with my parents, one of the things I've found most remarkable is how much I really, really like going out with my family. If you were ever a fourteen year-old girl, I'm sure you understand the weirdness, here: to my fourteen year-old self, the possibility that I might actually enjoy an evening out with my family -- that such an activity would ever have any result apart from total humiliation and the fervent wish for swift death --was so impossibly far-fetched that it would have come after "Alien Abduction" on the list of Things I Might Expect To Happen In The Next Twenty Years.
Well, I was wrong.
And so, in addition to having spent the past several days at my parents' place, I have been having a lot of fun hanging with my family -- including an outing earlier this week to see Paranormal Activity with my mom, my dad, and my brother.
And I liked it.
I liked it, that is, until I attempted to go to bed several hours after returning home from the theater, at which point I discovered that I was still scared out of my goddamn mind.
It's my fault, really. I should have guessed. I should have known that Paranormal Activity would, of course, be endowed with the same magical properties as The Blair Witch Project (another movie that scared me so badly that I had to sleep with the lights on for a week).
And it is. Oh boy, is it EVER.
There's no gore, no (visible) monster, no clear resolution in which Jack Nicholson chops his way through the bathroom door or a midget in wacky glasses comes and opens up a ghost-clearing portal in somebody's closet -- just endless tension and loooooong silences and half-seen things that encourage you, the viewer, to envision the Paranormal Entity as most horrible thing your imagination can conjure up on short notice.
Which, if you're me, is pretty goddamn horrible, and not only that, it is probably totally IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
So, for the past several days, my nighttime routine has gone something like this:
12:30 - 1:00am: Lie awake in bed, listening intently to the noises of the house. Jump and scream whenever a cat meows or a door creaks.
1:00 - 1:15am: Attempt to distract myself from meowing and creaking by reading old favorite books like "The Phantom Tollbooth".
1:16am: Suddenly realize how creepy "The Phantom Tollbooth" really is.
1:17 - 1:25am: Attempt to distract myself by thinking about Disney movies.
1:26am: Realize how creepy Disney movies really are.
1:27am: Give up.
1:28am: Turn off the light and attempt to go to sleep.
1:30am: Become convinced that there's a demon in the room.
1:31am: Get really scared.
1:32am: Want to turn on the light, but I'm too afraid to take my arm out from under the covers.
1:35am: Sack up and reach for the light.
1:36am: Fumble for the switch.
1:37am: Get totally freaked out and yank arm back under the covers.
1:38am: Panic.
1:42am: Reach for the light again. Turn the light on.
1:43am: Realize that the light only helps a little bit, because in the movie, the demon was totally messing with them even when the lights were on.
1:44 - 2:00am: Scream very quietly.
2:01am: Get out of bed; exit room in search of cat.
2:05am: Locate cat.
2:06am: Bring cat back to bed. Reason that if a demon is in the room, the cat will try to run away.
2:07am: Relax; cat is purring.
2:08am: Climb into bed. Turn off light.
2:09 - 2:15am: Pet cat.
2:16am: Fall asleep while petting cat.
2:20am: Jolt awake with realization that cat is meowing urgently by the door.
2:21am: THERE IS TOTALLY A DEMON IN HERE.
2:22am: Turn light on.
2:23 - 2:30am: Scream.
2:31am: Let cat out.
2:32 - 2:45am: Scream.
2:46am - 3:30am: Pass out from exhaustion.
3:30am: Repeat above until sunrise.
So basically. if you don't mind never being able to sleep again, I highly recommend that you see Paranormal Activity.
Also, I am now accepting donations of sleeping pills.
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8 comments:
I think having the lights on only help against witches.
"...that such an activity would ever have any result apart from total humiliation and the fervent wish for swift death --was so impossibly far-fetched that it would have come after "Alien Abduction" on the list of Things I Might Expect To Happen In The Next Twenty Years."
Exactly.
It's strange how much things change. I love it. Though my parents would never go see Paranormal Activity--kudos to yours.
If you receive a surplus of donations, please share the wealth.
I screamed like a little girl at that movie! I read all the spoilers before hand to avoid screaming like a little girl; alas it did no good.
And since I've always been scared of the dark, like forever ever and always, every time I hear a mouse fart I'm convinced it's a ghost/demon/gobblin/boogeyman.
the movie didn't help that. I sleep with one eye open now...
You people have obviously never watched The Grugde. yes the one with the woman crawling on the floor and vomitting blood and making that creepy never ending "AAAAAaaaaaa" sound she makes from the back of her throat as if she is about to get chocked or is about to choke you.
uhum. yes that movie. i watched it last year and can still hear her crawling around the house, looking for me.
First, I am SO EFFING GLAD that I am not the only adult woman who is convinced that if I keep every possible little bit of my body tucked under the covers, then whatever demons my brain has decided live in my room cannot get to me. Because clearly, the sheet will protect me. Demons, ghosts, boogeymen -- they're all terrified of cotton, yo.
Second, Tylenol PM and.or Nyquil are the only things that get me through the nights when I'm convinced that the creepy jawless Asian chick from The Grudge is going to eat my soul. (Yes, the girl who was *attacked* by The Grudge. Not The Grudge herself. She's still got all her face-parts, even if she is vomiting blood and dragging the bottom half of her body around all creepy-like, and is not nearly as scary as the jawless girl.)
I'm the leprechaun!!!
P to the S - covers pulled up to the top of one's ear will also help to ward off vampires. And if they do happen to get in your room, you'll have time to react when they are pulling the covers off. At least that's what I thought when I was ten...
Glad I'm not the only one who does that! I have refrained from seeing Paranormal Activity because I live in an old house, and it would make me paranoid. Which is exacerbated by the fact that I am A GIANT EFFING WEENIE, in the least sexually-gratifying sense of the term.
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