Sometimes, I wonder about the people who really reeeeally want us to have a public, government-run healthcare system. Not about their intelligence or motives -- it is, in theory, a really great idea that would do tremendous good for everyone who lives here. But I wonder whether they have ever spent much time dealing with the government on a personal level. Whether they have ever had to hinge their lives, or livelihood, on the gaseous churnings of its bureacratic gut.
Basically, I wonder whether they have ever been unemployed. Because I am. And when I talk to the government, this is how our conversations go:
Government: Did you work last week, including self-employment?
Me: Including self-employment, yes.
Government: How many days did you work?
Me: Well, I worked for thirty minutes on Tuesday morning, and--
Government: That is a full day of work.
Me: Um, what?
Government: That counts as a full day of work. We can't pay you unemployment for that day, because you worked.
Me: Thirty minutes of work is a full day of work?
Government: To us it is.
Me: That's insane.
Government: That's the way it is.
Me: But... I only made fifteen dollars.
Government: Too bad. You worked.
Me: So what you're saying is, if I work for fifteen minutes and make one dollar, you'll penalize me like $100? For working?
Government: We don't see it that way.
Me: Because fifteen minutes of work equals a full day of work.
Government: Yes.
Me: Can I come work there?
Government: No.
Me: Assholes.
Government: What?
Me: Nothing.
Government: So, you worked last week.
Me: For thirty minut--
Government: Where did you work?
Me: Um, in my bedroom?
Government: THAT IS NOT ALLOWED.
Me: What? No, I'm not a hooker or anything, I just worked from home.
Government: Home?
Me: Self-employment?
Government: Right!
Me: Right!
Government: Where was your self employed?
Me: [sound of face slamming into keyboard]
Government: WE ARE GOING TO REVOKE YOUR BENEFITS.
Me: No! Wait! I'll cooperate.
Government: That's better. Now. Where were you employed?
Me: [deep breath] Okay, so here's the thing: because I have an internet connection, I can work from--
Government: NO!
Me: No, it's okay, if you'll just--
Government: Stop dicking around and tell me where you worked!
Me: IN MY APARTMENT!
Government: What was your supervisor's name at this job?
Me: Are you kidding?
Government: What was your job title?
Me: Okay, seriously, stop.
Government: Why did you quit this job?
Me: I didn't qu--
Government: Give us the contact information of your supervisor.
Me: I didn't have--
Government: NOW!
Me: Okay, okay, geez! It's Kat...
Government: Thank you... hey, wait a minute, that's your name!
Me: You guys last updated this system sometime in the 1970s, didn't you.
Government: ...Maybe.
Look, I know they're trying. And it's not any one person's fault that the system itself behaves like a learning-disabled nine year-old with an anger management problem. But government? As long as you can't comprehend the concept of "self-employment", I am definitely not going to put you in charge of anything so important as, say, my pancreas.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
But what's the alternative? This?
I think I would like to go with the model that works for the entire rest of the world.
while the idea of health insurance for everyone doesn't bother me, i really really enjoyed this post. i mean, the unemployment questions are totally ridiculous.
I like this post a lot.
I can tell you live in NY because you talked to the same person I did. :) As I found out, the right answer is ALWAYS "No, I did not work AT ALL". Saying it in a robotic voice helps a lot. And you wonder why NY is broke. (And if you think that's bad, try the "public assistance" office. 1000x worse.)
Never, in my life, have I been closer to mass murder than during the mandatory "Computer Skills" training session at the Georgia Unemployment Center.
Sample class member question: "What do I need to turn on to get to Yahoo?"
Stupid government.
Guv'mint is truly fuckedly inefficient. Of all things to limp along. *grumble*
You've got to wonder about a system that would actually result in you AND the government being better off if you just lied and said you did nothing. Universal healthcare should be an interesting experiment!
Funny post as always :)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand THAT's why we call it the Unenjoyment Office.
Ah, yes, the astoundingly stupid unemployment reporting form. Different by state, but irrepressibly stupid.
(And why is my verification word "buttcold"? That could give a guy a complex!)
Come on, that's just silly. The guy was just ticking boxes, it's not like a public option would mean that some dumbass would tick a box while doing your check-up.
I agree with Mark! I mean, the government is notoriously efficient when it comes to the postal service, the dmv, the tax system (it's so easy to understand!), road work, transportation safety in airports, etc. I could go on and on! When it comes to pushing paper, no one, and i mean NO ONE, does it better! To think that the government would do a poor job of running health insurance IS silly.
Post a Comment