For the record, I did not wake up two weeks ago and think to myself, "Hey, what if I posted a cryptic, vignette-y piece about a totally ancient dysfunctional relationship from my early twenties, and then just disappeared for awhile? ...Yeah, that's what I'll do! It'll be fun!"
What actually happened is that I found, as the time since my last post stretched from a few days to several to more than a week, was that there was just nothing to report. And not only that, but my inner monologue -- which often supplies my daily life with narrative bits and bobs that serve as the basis for posts -- had just sort of shut itself up. The steady stream of ready words had slowed to a trickle. Inside my head, things had gotten awfully quiet. And the days continued to pass.
...And then last week, I got an email from my 80-something year-old grandmother. It said "Happy birthday!"
And then it said, "I've been reading your blog!"
On the plus side, this certainly shook things up. The gears wrenched into motion, the floodgates opened, and my inner monologue sprang back into action and began shouting out words at a furious rate.
Unfortunately, all of those words were "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHFUCKNOOOAAAGH."
Because shit. Can I even say that now? (On that topic, can I even say "shit"?!) I mean, you guys. My grandmother. Reading this blog -- you know, the one with the word "penis" in the title header and an entire series of posts about an in-window masturbator?
Yeah, THAT BLOG.
My mother, who knows just how to really bring home the terror when it comes to this sort of thing, told me, "You know, this means that she read your post about fornication."
Yep. It sure does! My dear, sweet grandmother! And not only that, grandma is probably reading this post, too. Talk about an elephant in the room.
...Not that I'm calling my grandmother an elephant! That is totally not what I meant! OH MY GOD THIS JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE.
So before I embarrass myself any further, I'm just going to leave it at this:
Hi, Grandma! Welcome. I hope you enjoy the blog. I'm sorry about the state of the place; if I'd known you were coming by, I never would have left all these expletives and dick jokes lying around.
And now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go find out whether it is, in fact, actually possible to die of embarrassment.
(For the record, I'm kind of hoping that the answer is yes.)
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11 comments:
Eek! Uninvited family visitors are totally the scourge of the blog world! Although sometimes it's almost worse when they approve...
A few months ago I wrote an epic post about wearing a strap-on during a fellatio class. Woke up to a message from mom in my inbox:
"Great post, kiddo! Keep it up! SEX SELLS!"
Ugh!
i don't think it's possible ... if it was, i totally would have died the other night when kevin said, after we had completed a marital activity that i probably shouldn't talk about lest i further embarrass you in front of your grandmother, "you know, i think we forgot to close the window." we totally did forget, we pulled the curtain but the window was WIDE open, and our next-door neighbor likes to smoke on his deck around the time we were doing the activity-which-will-not-be-named. god, i so, so hope he was not out there, but i totally can't look him in the eye ever again. EVER.
THANK GOD none of my family has found my blog.
Though, now that I've said that, it's bound to happen.
Ugh. Good luck with that.
Hi grandma!
I think you are one hell of an awesome grandmother for being able to read your grnaddaughter's blog. It kind of makes me want to let my family in on my little secret, but then I'd probably be disowned.
I've missed you & glad you're back!!!
Hopefully I'll get my mojo back this weekend. ;)
Oh my gosh! Having someone I know find either one of my blogs is one of my worst nightmares! One, more so than the other one. If I had to write knowing that my grandmother or parents were reading, I wouldn't be able to write anything at all. I feel for you, and LOVE your blog.
(Came here from Dear Buddha)
i still think you and your grandma should tag team blog.
Also, i'm amazed that your Grandma knows how to navigate the internets. Mine still has trouble figuring out her VCR.
Ha!! Hahahaha! HA.
*sigh*
You've just experienced what we all fear.
Please report back if it is, in fact, possible to die of embarrassment.
........fuck.
I mean
.....f**k.
I'm sure I would love your Grams if I ever met her, but if she messes up the birthday post you owe us...I'll have to shank her.
I'm stuck in that funk as well. Unfortunately my grandmother can't read English.
Damn it.
Holy crap you use the word fornication!
You're my new heroine.
- Jimmy
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