The miracle of subtle marketing.

A long time ago, probably in the late 1970s, some not-so-bright douchebag decided that my neighborhood would be a really great place to erect a ton of billboards. I'm guessing that his decision was predicated on the fact that this part of Brooklyn is bisected by a major highway and home to a fair number of industrial docks, making it a daily pass-through point for thousands of susceptible people in desperate need of... well, whatever they like to sell on billboards these days.

And I'm guessing that it was in the late 1970s, because that seems to be the last time that anybody actually bought ad space on any of them.

Seriously, these things are OLD. If they're not hanging in tatters or faded by the sun to the point of unreadability, they're advertising something so hilariously outdated that it's probably not available anywhere, much less in the rapidly-changing landscape that is New York City. My favorite is the one for a gentleman's club -- so old that by now, all the girls pictured have probably traded in their pasties and pole dancing for geriatric shoes, midday bingo and occasional cackling swipes at the pool-boy's taut young buttocks.

Or rather, that was my favorite.

Because today, as I emerged from the local liquor store, this marvel of strategic marketing caught my eye.


Admittedly, this might be some smart advertising. This street is a thoroughfare for trucks -- and therefore, truck drivers, who may be more likely than most to drive around with their eyes peeled for a giant sign that says, "GOT HEMORRHOIDS?". Because after a lifetime of eating greasy roadside fare on the run, it's probably only a matter of time until you blow your asshole clean out.

Or so I would imagine.

But the real beauty of this sign isn't just in what it's selling, but how. I can just picture the design process.

Client: (looks at sign) Wow. This is great, Donald. It really is. Just great.
Designer: Thanks.
Client: It's just...
Designer: What?
Client: I just think we could sell it more.
Designer: Well, you know, it's very direct -- hemorrhoids, proctology clinic, the phone number...
Client: Yes... but still, it's like something's missing.
Designer: What do you mean?
Client: Well, look, Donald. I just don't think people will know that we're talking about butts. You know? We need something more, some pizazz, something that says...
Designer: Something that says, "butts"?
Client: Yeah. BUTTS. I want everyone to look at this sign, and no matter who they are, I want them to come away knowing -- we're talking about butts.
Designer: Well, I did have this one idea.


Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known: they are talking about butts.
And now, so are we.