A couple weeks ago, I woke up to an unexpected Facebook message. It was from a girl named Cara -- a former BFF, one I'd spent a lot of time with back in the early 1990s, but who I hadn't seen or spoken to since save for one awkward run-in at my hometown bar last Christmas.
Hearing from her was a surprise.
The message was an even bigger one.
"I never got to say this because of how things ended between us," it said, "and I'm not sure this is even why, but: I'm sorry if I hurt you by talking to Alina about you making out with Tom Fanning in my room. At that age, I wasn't thinking about how hurtful that can be to have your friends talking behind your back, especially about chastity-related topics."
Of course, this type of message -- in and of itself -- isn't exactly uncommon. Thanks to Facebook, the internet is now flooded with stories from bullied teenagers who grew up to receive just this sort of "I'm sorry" from the mean girl who ruined their lives. (Not, I should add, that Cara ruined my life. But the aforementioned incident did really, reeeeeally hurt my feelings, for reasons I will explain in just a second.)
And I know what you're thinking -- that this was a very adult and perfectly legitimate thing to say to the teenage whore who destroyed your friendship by not only making out with a boy, but defiling your childhood bedroom in the process.
And if that teenage whore had any fucking decency, she'd respond with an apology of her own for the horrible, scandalous crime that she perpetrated.
The problem is, I wasn't sorry.
And also, I wasn't a whore.
Because here's the thing: as described, this whole event sounds like a horrific betrayal of the bonds of girly friendship. You're probably thinking that sure, it was wrong of her to talk about me behind my back, but it was waaaay wronger of me to get busy with a dude in her bedroom. I bet that you've even conjured a mental image of me as a young teenager, surreptitiously sneaking upstairs to not only engage in a nasty, disgusting makeout, but to do it on my friend's bed.
Shameful!
Which, of course, is why this message pissed me off. Because what actually happened was this: I was 13, he was 15, we were both attendees at a Halloween party, and my parents were on their way to pick me up. And when I went upstairs to get my coat from Cara's bedroom, he snuck up after me, pushed me gently against the door-frame, and kissed me.
For about three seconds.
I mean, for the love of God, it wasn't even with TONGUE.
And as exciting as it was at the time -- it was the first time that a boy had ever spontaneously kissed me -- it definitely didn't make up for the withering glare that I got from Cara as I exited her house. Or for the ensuing freeze-out by my girlfriends, who took this incident, along with my general willingness to kiss boys, as evidence that I was a wanton slut who couldn't be trusted.
Although that probably would have happened anyway, since I'd pretty much been boy-crazy from birth while my friends were the least-hormonal group of adolescents ever to walk the earth, and our conversations were starting to go like this:
Them: You're, like, obsessed with boys. It's weird.
Me: Whatever, it's not like I get why you guys are so into horses, either.
(Note: I now realize that "being into horses" is a sort of teenage girl's gateway drug to "being into dudes". Which within the confines of this metaphor would make me that person who walks into a party, waves away the bong, and just dives headlong into a pile of cocaine.)
Of course, that was fifteen years ago. And as much as it sucked at the time, it's not like I've thought about it at all since, say, 1996. But now, faced with this message, I couldn't help thinking of my 13 year-old self -- lurking back there in the past, feeling hurt and confused, and eventually learning that her friends had spent a whole slumber party weekend talking about what a whore she was.
And so, on her behalf, I did not apologize.
Instead, I thanked her for writing, and then I added this:
"I don't think it's any mystery why we all grew apart -- from what I remember, I was in the thick of the teenage boy-crazies and you guys weren't similarly afflicted. I'm sure I was unbelievably irritating to you, and for my part... well, you know, obviously it was hard not to notice that you all thought I was an attention-seeking slut."
(And then, in an attempt to not seem bitter, I added a "not that this really matters, seeing as we're all almost 30", and told her that she should feel free to look me up if she was ever in New York.)
Of course, she hasn't written back, and since it's been a few weeks, I'm guessing she's not going to. And maybe that's my fault. Maybe I should have just sucked it up, given her the return apology she was probably looking for, and been more of a grownup about it.
But I'm not gonna lie: standing up for myself, even if it was a version of myself that hasn't existed for more than a decade, felt pretty goddamn good.
And it's not like we would have been friends again, anyway.
I'm pretty sure she's still really into horses.
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10 comments:
Sometimes as we get older we have a sense of regret as a result of old high school behaviour and have a desire to apologize for our past behavior in a "see I am so much more mature now" and a "I don't want it to be akward if we run into each other" manner.
Unfortunately, notwithstanding that we regret the immature way we handled the past conflict, the hurt feeling were still real. As such, the apology often comes out as a qualified apology (i.e. I was immature, but you still had it coming).
My though is that if you are going to offer an apology, make it quick and unqualified one. And if you receive the H.S. apology, either accept it or ignore it. Qualifying either the apology or the acceptance of it, just confirms that no matter how much you mature,high school friends, frenemies and enemies can still bring out the high school in you (see: a certain episode of HIMYM).
That sounds so weird. Maybe I'm out of the loop, but is it even a thing to care if a friend kisses another dude in your room? Having sex in your bed, sure, but kissing? How is that a "betrayal of trust"? Furthermore...kissing equated to sex for your old friends? What the hell? If I had a high school friend who was making out with dudes all the time (well, I did) I'd think she was boy crazy and sure, maybe a tad annoying, but I wouldn't think she was a whore.
You are definitely better off without those horse-lovin' crazy people! Good on you for sticking up for yourself.
I love that you didn't apologize. You didn't have anything to apologize for. My high school nemesis added me as a friend with no apologies. So I asked why she would want to be friends with someone she tormented in high school. She claimed she always thought I was cool. Memories are subjective.
Although you might have been scandalous for some horse loving 13 year old's, I love that you didn't apologize back. I thought your response was just enough "bite me" with enough "hope you're having a great life" mix to it.
firstly, i love the title of your post. secondly, i once got an in-person apology from a bitch in h.s. and thinking about it now, I really regret accepting it. go loyalty to our former selves!
-Kris
I firmly believe that the teenage brain, boy or horse crazy as it may be, does not generally need to offer apologies. Though the adult brain that thought it was a good idea, at my friend's bridal shower when I was bored with her trashy stripper show in her living room, to invite my boyfriend over, bring him in through the backdoor, and let him, let's say arrest me (he was a cop and on duty and in uniform) in the bride's bedroom, only to be caught mid-arrest by the MOB, well that's not so easily explained. But the bride had introduced us so i blamed her for her bad judgement (whilst quietly thanking her for it!. Kat, some of us are born boy crazy and never grow out of it and that is why are husbands and boyfriends are so happy!
Oh, teenagers.
It's strange to see who hasn't really grown out of that high school mindset. As much as it's good to go back & apologize for things that may have deeply hurt people in the past, it's another thing entirely to expect everyone to feel the same way as they did at the time or to think that they've "seen the error of their ways."
Good for you, sticking up for your teenage self! Teenagers usually need just that, even if it is retroactive, you know? ;)
It sounded hokey at the time - and still kind of does now - but maybe this is what my therapist meant when she said to 'listen to our inner child'. (Barf.)
In all seriousness though, I think it's important to honour (sorry, Canada here) the person you once were, even if you're not necessarily the same person anymore. And in case you're feeling some residual twinges of... something over the lack of response to your reply, you seem to have handled the situation with a certain level of self-awareness so I wouldn't sweat it. :)
I'm glad you stood up for yourself. If you don't, who will.
This kind of happened to me once. I was friends with a guy who ended up dating my friend, and I couldn't even TALK to him without being accused of "flirting" with him. I was 12...
So I kind of know how you feel what with young teen girls blowing things out of proportion.
It's all in the past now.
Good on you!
Seems strange to apologize for something that she did when she was 13, even if she was in the wrong. I mean, the statute of limitations on an apology was up long ago, like, 14 yrs ago. Seems strange that she would think you still care or that it matters anymore.
sounds like she's trying to assuage some guilt, but really, it's not your responsibility to help her with that 15 yrs later.
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