Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Excerpts from my correspondence, presented without commentary
1. An email from my mom, to me.
Ow!!! I just got stung twice by bumblebees while working in the garden behind the little house! They actually pursued me as I ran screaming away up the lawn! I thought I could trust those big cute bumbly guys not to sting. I've been betrayed!! This is what comes of thinking that fat=harmless. I'll never feel the same about bumblebees ever again, the big bullies. They'll be sorry.
2. An email from me, to Brad.
You fucking ate the last Hostess cupcake and left the fucking empty box in the cupboard so it looked like there were still cupcakes in there when there weren't any fucking cupcakes! what the fuck. I have spent the past three days thinking about eating a cupcake and deciding not to because I wanted to save it for a time when I actually really, really wanted it, and then I really, REALLY wanted it, and I go to eat it, and it turns out that there are no cupcakes. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW WRONG THIS IS I AM DIVORCING YOU IF YOU EVER DO THIS AGAIN.
3. An email exchange with my editor.
On Wed, Oct 13, 2010 at 4:58 PM, [redacted] wrote:
for some reason, it's so hard to stop sexting assholes like this guy.
On 10/13/10 5:08 PM, "Kat" wrote:
she should send him a picture of a huge, erect penis.
On Wed, Oct 13, 2010 at 5:09 PM, [redacted] wrote:
or her dog wearing a wet t-shirt.
On 10/13/10 5:10 PM, "Kat" wrote:
forget the dog. GO BIG OR GO HOME.
4. A gchat with my brother.
Noah: i was thinking about halloween costumes and how people would totally wear the ones that were related to current events, like a bed bug
and then i was thinking about which costumes a college kid would wear and how my school had a scabies outbreak at one point
me: seriously? YUCK
Noah: yeah, it was gross. but the important point is that after that happened, a scabies costume would have been absolutely hilarious
that's totally something i would wear if my university was in the midst of a scabies outbreak
me: me too!
me: i was just thinking how easy it would be to dress up as a penis for halloween
you'd just need to spray-paint a bike helmet pink
and wear a flesh-colored bathrobe
maybe paint some blue veins on it
Noah: or even give yourself a piercing!
that would be hilarious
go as a prince albert
[7 minutes pass]
Noah: i wish i could have a pet moose.