The 8 Stages of Hiring a Housekeeper

GUILT
Stare at the Craigslist listings for cleaning services for hours before calling one. Wonder if using a cleaning service is inherently classist. Dial and hang up twice. Wonder what is the matter with you that you can't keep an apartment clean by yourself. Wonder if this constitutes failure as a wife. Wonder if wondering this makes you a bad feminist. Wonder what's worse: being a bad feminist or being a classist asshole. Dial again and speak to the cleaning lady. She is polite and all business. She also has a Spanish accent. Wonder if this makes you a racist as well. Make an appointment anyway.

WORRY
Worry that the cleaning lady will be appalled at the state of your apartment. Worry that she'll demand more money. Worry that she'll run screaming out the door and tell all her friends that, in all her years of cleaning, she had never seen a toilet that disgusting. Worry that your apartment is not filthy enough and that she will accuse you of wasting her time. Resist the urge to clean before she arrives.

DENIAL
At the last minute, throw a pile of dirty laundry in the closet.

EMBARRASSMENT
"I'm sorry, I didn't think you would open that closet."

PARANOIA
Shut yourself into another room with the dog. Worry every time the cleaning ladies speak to each other that they are saying mean things about you. Worry that they are laughing at you. Worry that worrying about this makes you a racist. Worry that they hate the dog. Worry that they think the dog is a racist. Listen to the sound of doors opening and closing. The cleaning ladies know all your secrets. Vow to learn Spanish.

AWE
The cleaning ladies are gone. Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. Wander from room to room with your mouth open. Feel guilty that you didn't wash your feet first. Feel guilty that you ever doubted them. Email husband a series of delighted exclamation points. Cry openly at the beauty of the golden light as it gleams off the toilet seat. Vow never to use the toilet again. Admire the small, neat piles into which your personal items have been sorted. Note the presence of at least one highly embarrassing item in each pile. Remind yourself to explain next time that you don't usually leave airplane-travel-sized bottles of vodka under the bed. Wonder if they saw the soy sauce stains on the sheets. Drink bottle of airplane vodka. Cry some more.

CATASTROPHE
Much later, open the fridge to retrieve a beer. Something is strange. The beer is in alphabetical order. The cleaning ladies have organized the refrigerator. THE CLEANING LADIES HAVE ORGANIZED THE REFRIGERATOR. Scream out loud. Wonder if this is going to happen every week. Wonder why nobody warned you. Wonder how long that avocado has been in there. Wait, it was that Memorial Day cookout. Oh God, it's been there since May. It has been there since May and they saw it and they touched it. They touched your avocado of shame, and you must live with that.

ACCEPTANCE
Schedule biweekly appointments. Throw away the avocado. Drink alphabetized beer. Life is so lovely.