OH MY GOD WHY DID I EAT SO MUCH BUTTER.
Let me be clear: I don't usually kick myself over butter. I adorn my popcorn with it; I smear my bread with it; I melt it into a golden pool in a cast-iron skillet and fry up my eggs with glee. I am not, in general, a guilty butter-eater. But on New Year's Day, I woke up with an acute, raging case of Butter Eater's Regret -- because on New Year's Eve, capping off a month of perhaps not the most controlled eating of my life, I had exceeded even my own, laissez-faire ethics in butter-related matters when I made a pot of pasta, and just before pouring it into a bowl, carelessly tossed a sizable pat of Land'o'Lakes in to melt beneath it.
A sizable pat which was now in my head, in snapshot form, dawdling in all its obscene enormity under the scrolling WHY WHY WHY WHY marquee like a creamy golden guilt bomb.
All of which is to say, I hope you'll all understand that when, unable to exorcise that image from my mind and swiftly succumbing to overwhelming feelings of failure and fatness, I went on the internet and allowed Gwyneth Paltrow to tell me what to do.
...Look, I was in a dark place, okay?! A DARK PLACE FULL OF BUTTER AND SADNESS.
And so, I:
a) googled juice cleanse recipes
b) clicked my way down a rabbit-hole to one of old Gwynnie's vanity-project GOOP newsletters from god-knows-when
c) lost my entire fucking mind, and then
d) went to Whole Foods, where I purchased protein powder and almond milk and wheatgrass supplements and a head of broccoli that cost seven dollars.
It's the seven-dollar broccoli that let me know I've really and truly lost it.
But even as I hauled vegetables, powders, mysterious substances and peculiar oils into the kitchen and stuffed them into the fridge, I really, honestly, thought that this was a good idea. After all, people do detoxes all the time! And they seem fine! And Gwyneth Paltrow is so thin!
So I went for it.
I mean, I am going for it.
And it's not that I've decided that it's not a good idea. It's not even that I'm not enjoying myself; the recipes are easy (albeit time-consuming), the food tastes good, and my lunch was so pretty that it deserved to have its picture taken. So while I'm still not sure I'll make it, and while I'll probably be back three days from now to confess a butter relapse, and while there are certain elements of this plan which I will under no circumstances put into action (castor oil, Gwyneth? CASTOR OIL?), I'd say that things are moving along quite nicely.
But, uh, speaking of things moving along nicely? I'm just gonna go ahead and answer the questions I know you're asking -- which is to say, yes, that's how it works. Yes, this cleanse is the equivalent of rinsing out your intestinal tract with an industrial-strength fire hose. And no, Gwyneth Paltrow probably hasn't taken a solid dump since sometime in 2006.
(But if this sounds like fun to you and you want to follow along, be my guest.)
1 comments:
Gwyneth made me do this very same cleanse a few years ago! I felt horrible (and HUNGRY) the first two days, amazing days 3-5, then I had lasagna and wine on day 6. Oh, and my poo was green.
But honestly- I've been thinking about doing it again (for longer) because I felt fantastico from it. And I fell in love with that carrot-ginger dressing- I still make it all the time. The broccoli soup? Yeah...not so much.
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